When my husband and I were dating, he wooed me with his cooking skills. On one of our very first dates, he cooked me a meal at his apartment and casually whipped up homemade crème brûlée as if it were NBD. Sold! (He did confess later that he had spent several months perfecting the recipe.)
It wasn’t very long after we started dating that he moved to NYC and our relationship became long distance. And then when I moved there, our apartment kitchen was so small, cooking anything in it was a real pain in the ass. We rarely cooked in it and got accustomed to eating out all. the. time. I never really got to see the culinary skills that he wooed me with again. We jokingly call this the biggest bait and switch of our relationship.
But last night he surprised me with the most amazing home cooked meal for our anniversary, complete with the early dating crème brûlée. With our anniversary being in March, this is our second pandemic anniversary. Which sucks. But the hubs made it extra special and memorable.
This is our 10th anniversary, and at one point we talked about doing a big international trip to celebrate, but we decided to hold off until some future, safer time for that. But ten years, ya’ll! So many people don’t make it that long and we are still going strong. With that in mind, I thought I’d share 10 pieces of marital advice from 10 years of marriage.
1. Be Your Spouse’s Biggest Cheerleader
Everyone needs a support system, and one of the keys to our ten years of marriage has been being the president of each other’s fan clubs. That doesn’t mean agreeing with each other at all times, or not giving any criticism or feedback. But it does mean having each other’s back and cheering each other on, especially when the other person needs it the most.
I was able to start my wedding planning company Hitched Events because my husband believed in me more than I even believed in myself. While yes, I knew I had event planning skills and more event experience than I would ever need for the job, it was my husband cheering me on confidently that gave me the courage to take the leap into entrepreneurship. And when he wanted to make a career change, I pulled out my pom pons and did I high kick. You. Can. Do. It!
Supporting each other’s hopes and dreams, but also making them see qualities they have that they might not even realize is such a gift. This is my tip #1 for a reason!
2. Learn Each Other’s Love Language
If you haven’t read the Five Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman, I encourage you to do so. Or at a minimum, take the online quiz to discover what your love language is and what your partner’s love language is. Knowing the whole concept of love languages helps with communication in a relationship, as not everyone expresses love in the same way.
My primary love language is words of affirmation, and my husband knows that I’m fueled by feedback. (I’m also an enneagram 3 if you’re into that.) While a lovely gift is always nice, tell me I’m pretty or that you’re proud of me and you’ll make my day. My husband on the other hand is a quality time guy. This sometimes proves challenging when I’m working long hours, and especially during wedding season. But knowing that he really just wants to spend time with me makes me put that higher on my priority list.
It’s fascinating to discover how you each express and receive love and to learn that you might not actually be speaking the same language to each other. I love analyzing my friends too and have found it has strengthened some friendships as well. For my friend whose love language is gifts, I know that I best not forget her birthday. Whereas, my quality time friends just want to hang out. Do yourself a favor and pick up this book! It will really make you look at all your relationships with a new lens.
3. Expect Nothing and Be Pleasantly Surprised
I learned this one from my friend Angela, who is the epitome of #marriagegoals. Before my own wedding, I asked for her best marriage advice and she simply said she has “no expectations.” At first I thought that sounded a little depressing, but as Angela explained it, it made a ton of sense. Basically, she doesn’t build up expectations in her head that she doesn’t explicitly tell her husband and then get frustrated that he doesn’t meet those expectations he didn’t even know about.
For example, she doesn’t just expect her husband to take out the trash. When he does, she’s pleasantly surprised. If she wants him to take out the trash, she asks him to do it. See how that works? It’s all about your mindset, asking for what you want, and making the little things that can easily be taken for granted a lovely moment to be grateful for.
I feel like it’s so easy to fall into the trap of putting our unspoken expectations on other people and then being super annoyed that they’re not meeting them. I know I’ve done this with employees in the past, assuming they should just know what I need or want. But honestly, that’s totally not fair to them. It’s also not fair to your spouse. Where I certainly have expectations for my team, I’m getting better at expressing them more explicitly. And for my husband, I’m definitely doing the same. And if I haven’t been specific about what I need or want, I try to be pleasantly surprised and grateful when it happens. Turning that thought of, “It’s about damn time he took out the trash” to “Oh, how nice! He took out the trash!” is a mindset shift that is powerful.
4. Let Things Go
If my husband let the number of times I left my shoes on the living room floor send him over the edge, we would have gotten divorced long ago. While shoes on the living room floor don’t bother me one bit, it annoys him. Just like when he leaves dishes in the sink annoys me. (Dude, the dishwasher is right there! Open it. Put your dirty coffee mug in it!) But these little annoyance are just that. In the big scheme of things, shoes in the living room and coffee mugs in the sink are just bad habits, and we’ve pretty much just let go of being overly annoyed by them. Sure, it would be awesome if I never walked into the kitchen and saw a dish in the sink. And my hubs would love if I never left a shoe underneath the coffee table. But is it affecting our lives or worth getting upset about? Nope. And honestly, now it’s actually kind of comical.
5. Be Open to Each Other’s Interests
My husband and I have very different hobbies. Over the years, he’s spent his free time following UFC mixed martial arts, Formula 1, and educating himself all about wine, even completing level three of the WSET (Wine & Spirit Education Trust) certification. Meanwhile, my jam is trashy reality television like 90-Day Fiancé and pretty much anything on Bravo, health and fitness (I’m currently obsessed with my Peloton), and as of recently, this little blogging journey. While we could easily just let our interests stay our own, we’ve each been open to learning a bit more about each other’s hobbies.
I can now intelligently ask questions during an MMA fight and have been known to actually get into it. And I’ve absolutely benefitted from his wine knowledge, falling in love with varietals I really didn’t know much about before. (Oh, Sancerre. How did I not know about you all these years?!?). And on the flip side, he’s been known to follow me down the 90-Day Fiancé rabbit hole – Before the 90 Days, Happily Ever After? (with the appropriately placed question mark), and so many other variations of the show that truly are ridiculous. We also regularly talk about my Peloton boyfriend Alex, as if he’s someone I actually know and see in person a couple of times a week as a side piece.
I think sharing in each other’s hobbies has helped us stay connected vs. growing apart with no interest in each other’s activities. I’m not saying you have to be all in on each other’s thing, but being open to learning about their thing is a worthy investment.
6. Share Household Responsibilities
It may go without saying, but a successful marriage is all about teamwork, and when the scales don’t feel balanced, there can be a lot of resentment and contempt. While we haven’t specifically defined responsibilities, we have fallen into some habits that work for us. I typically do the laundry, but I don’t think I’ve ever replaced an air filter or a lightbulb in our home. I do more of the cooking these days, even though he’s way better at it than I am, but that’s simply because I am more particular about eating healthy and controlling my food intake than he is. We equally share responsibility for the dishes and the dog, and he’s definitely more in charge of our long-term financial planning.
I don’t think I’ve ever had the thought that I’m doing everything, and I don’t think he has either (although I suppose I should ask), and that balance has definitely helped keep the relationship harmonious. Of course, when children are in the mix, I imagine that keeping things feeling balanced would be more difficult and worth putting the effort into even more.
7. Enjoy Time Apart
Prior to meeting my husband, I was an independent lady. I had a good job, owned my own home, and pretty much did whatever I wanted to. I have no problem spending time solo, and I actually enjoy it. When my husband and I moved in together, I think that was the hardest transition for me. He was always there. My job often has me out of the house at networking events in the evening and of course the long event day marathons, so the hubs gets plenty of time at home alone. Me? Not as much. Don’t get me wrong. I love him more than anything, but there’s something to be said for an empty house and alone time.
With the pandemic, we’ve both been home more than ever before, but we’ve been able to have a little bit of alone time even when in the same house. I might go downstairs and read or watch television while the hubs is watching his own favorite shows. Or, the mister will take his motorcycle for a spin for his own alone time, giving me free reign of the house for a bit. The need for this seclusion doesn’t make either one of us feel bad or jealous, but we know that we all need to recharge solo every so often. I highly recommend it.
8. Stay Attractive For Each Other
The officiant for our wedding was the father of one of my friends. When we were planning our wedding, we met with him to talk through the details of the ceremony, and I remember a piece of advice he gave us — Stay attractive for each other. I’m not sure that’s exactly what he said. In fact, he might have said stay attracted to each other. But regardless, he encouraged us to make an effort for each other in order to maintain the spark. Being physically attracted to your spouse is so important!
Over the years, we certainly have had periods of being super fit and other periods of caring less, but both of us are vain enough to not completely let ourselves go. We try to be fairly fashionable, even during a pandemic when we’re at home all the damn time. And it’s not uncommon for me to put on a full face of makeup and actually do my hair even when the only person I’m going to see that day is the hubs.
As the saying goes, when you look good, you feel good. And honestly, aren’t you a better partner when you feel good about your own damn self?
9. Sharing Is Caring
When you’re in a relationship, you have to share. Thank goodness we all learned that valuable skill back in pre-K. But remembering how to do it well is key to living harmoniously with a partner.
When I ask my husband if he needs any snacks as I head to Costco — the home of all my favorite healthy snack items, but that’s another blog post for another day — I have to remember that his “No, I don’t need any snacks” response really means, “I’ll just eat whatever you buy.” It does not mean, “No, I’m not going to be eating any snacks, so just pick up enough for yourself.” While I might tease him as he eats my crunchy roller snacks (ummm…. I thought you didn’t need any snacks!), if I were to be truly bothered by this and let it build up, it would not end well. I’ve also learned that if I have leftovers that I want for myself, I need to label it with my name. Otherwise, the “what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine” philosophy comes into play. Sharing at it’s best.
And being good with sharing isn’t just focused around food. There’s often compromise needed when sharing the television remote, the thermostat control, and even the master bathroom shower. Being in a successful relationship sometimes means you don’t get your way and have to put the other person in front of yourself.
10. Embrace Change Together
For full disclosure, I came up with the first nine tips and got stuck. The hubs came up with this tenth one, and I support it!
The saying goes that the only thing that’s constant is change, and being afraid of change does no one any good. When you can embrace change and do it together, you’re going to be in a better place. Whether that’s supporting a job change, a move, or even the new phase of life that comes with having children (to be clear, I know nothing about this), going into change with a supportive spouse is key.
I honestly can’t believe it’s been ten years since our wedding day. The time has literally flown by! The saying that marriage is work is true. But it’s the best work I’ve ever done.
So what do you think? Any keys to wedded bliss that I missed?
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